I basically grew up in a spoiled environment, because when i was in VN, my parents were pretty much in the performing arts life-style. They put me in a studio for performing everywhere, and even if i don’t remember much of what happened in my childhood, i know that many MANY people hated on me because of that. I mean i guess you can call it jealousy, but really, there’s nothing to be jealous about. I grew up being kind of just alone, and no true friends, nor best friend. People would think that I’m too “out there” which i was, but as like a 3 year old, i don’t think that was my choice. Then, our family moved over here, to america when i was 6. I thought things would’ve changed, and maybe i can start over, but no. I express my talents and passion to perform for church & other places, all i get is hated on even more. Especially from the groups from my church. I know they would’ve isolate me & put me down because i just didn’t really fit in with everyone, and it was pretty hard. I dealt with so much rumors and drama that they would’ve put me through. After a few years, things started to settle down for me, but after a while, it just came back. I’m not sure why everyone kind of hates me so much. I didn’t really even do anything to them. Last year, 2010, I was with someone. He’s my first everything. For the first few months, it was great. He then started treating me like shit, and would lie, flirt with my friend, use me, and just did any possible thing you can think of that can break me. I was with him for 11 months. Knowing he was doing all of that. He pull me through hell, but i stayed with me and he took advantage of me, because he knew that i’d do anything for him. I thought that we were perfect for each other, yet i cry myself to sleep every single night. He would know, and didn’t even care. By that time, i was already pushed away from my so friends because of him. So i had basically no one to really talk to or depend on. My family doesn’t understand me, and they knew nothing about it. After 11 months, we broke up for the third & final time. But him, knowing that i was in the worse possible situation with my family. Things were honestly going crazy in my family. My brother was on lockdown, mom was depressed over it, got really ill, hospital 30+ times within the few months, and i just lost it. My dad was the same. He was strong enough to keep the family together, but that didn’t work either. I then found out that my ‘first love’ was trying to get with one of my really close friend at the time, and she lied about liking him too. And this was a week after we broke up because “he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend.” I’ve cut myself a few times, overdose twice, and near death once. I knew this was the stupidest thing to do, but trust me, when you hit rock bottom, you just don’t care anymore. I begged and begged God to save me and get me out of this pain, and blamed him for all of that has happened. I somewhat lost faith in him. I couldn’t eat at all, and knowing me, that’s not possible. I lost 13 pounds within a week. After a few months, Things started cooling down for me, and i was alright again. About 7 months later, which was recently, i got with this other guy. Thinking i was ready again. Everything was fine. Then shit happen. We took a break, but ended in a break up instead. My other close friend, who knew him for 2 months, while we’ve known each other for 4 years, took his side of the story, and just left me hanging. She tried getting with him, i suppose, and he would blame me for everything. How I was the bad friend and that i deserved to be used/played, and he wishes that would happen to me again. That text killed me. I started cutting again. I never thought anyone would have ever said that to me. So, i lost them too within a 2 months. Then one day, about 2 months after, i was just meeting new friends & talking to this guy, and him knowing i had no intentions of getting into a relationship again, the one day i walked away from my group i sit with at lunch just to go chill with him, all of my “friends” said so many shit about me. Only one of my friend stood up for me. I saw it coming, but it really hurt. They said a lot of stuff, and judge me for my life-style, while they did nothing to help me when i’m going through my toughest times. Now, i don’t talk to them at all anymore. My best friend & i are drifting as well. I sometimes feel as i’m being replaced as well. I go to school everyday, smiling, but deep down, it’s all just a cover up. I thought Tumblr would help me escape from it, but now.. everyone judges me here too. I’ve been called a slut, whore, etc. a lot because i’m always with someone. Honestly, the only reason why i always am is because that way, i know at least someone is there for me & i can depend on. I hate feelings lonely all the time. I’m always called a bitch, because i act like one. And i don’t blame you. I’ve been through so many things already & now, i just keep on pushing and pushing everyone away. I will act as if i don’t give a single fuck, but at the end of the time, i’m the one hurting myself, but no one can see that. I don’t really have any “friends” right now, but at least my family is getting better. Everything’s always depended on me, and everything’s always my fault. I know i gotta be strong, and this isn’t it, but i would help to have some supporters. I only have God now. I don’t know what i would ever do without him. I know i’ll get more anonymous after posting this, because “i’m looking for attention” but whatever. If you’re that low to actually KNOW someone’s story, and judge them, go ahead. But remember how perfect your life is first, before saying anything about others. I’m not posting this to get sympathy, i just want all of you to know someone’s story, before you judge them. Now go ahead. You can say whatever the hell you want. Trust me, it’s not gonna affect as much anymore.